What IS Unfaithful?

Wow - you all ROCK. There is QUITE a discussion going on over here.

It all started with Lara asking what your New Year's Eve plans were. When Doony Dog suggested that it was so simple - all men wanna do that night (just like all other nights!) is 'get busy' - well things got interesting after that....

And so basically, while trying to get a handle on what is normal in bed --- really, also leads to another issue of who is happy and who is not happy in that 'department.' Please excuse the delicate language, its a habit from Radio and trying to tip toe for all sorts of folks AND the FCC.

(Oh, and btw, I LURVE how many dudes hang out here at iVillage - because - well hey I hang out on the men's sites ALL the time....its FASCINATING!)

But what is unfaithful?

Here is what some folks are sayin:

"being unfaithful with a vibrator is almost as bad as being unfaithful with another man. You need to work on your relationship a bit if you are having to resort to that."

"I'm almost scared to think that sex-wise, it is never going to get any better than this in my marriage. So I'm going places where it IS better than this. I'm not going to settle. Let me add that nobody would ever figure me for a cheater."

"Now all you have to do is go on the Internet"

Is that all cheating? Is it unfaithful? Is it right?

I'm sure its scaring all of us who are in a relationship. If you have ever been cheated on (yup, I have), its tough to read this stuff. Just because someone is unhappy with the current 'situation' they feel they can (need to? have to??) go cheat? Or worse, that they have no choice?

If you were the boring wife, let's say, would you WANT him to come home and tell you the truth about his feelings and the bedroom situation? Do you split up if there are things you don't want to do?

No one can claim our girl Meg is the 'boring wife' - she's the BUSY wife:

"sex is like the stock market. If you invest it in it, you get big dividends. My husband will do practically anything that I ask if I give it to him...."

Whether you are merely 26 like Tim, or you are near 50 like Murray, what goes on in bed (or wherever) is a big part of our lives and relationships --and reading all their issues made me think we need to focus on it. Often.

What do you think?

I think I know what I'M doing tonight.....I'm pretending its New Year's Eve!!!

Cheers! Heidi

Comments

if someone needs to ask what being unfaithful is, then they're most likely being unfaithful. WOuldn't you say?

I'm on the brink of being unfaithful to my husband. I love him a great deal and really can't picture life without him. Our sex life is good, we're twice a week which seems to suit us. I'm a stay at home Mom who is very bored. I met a married man who is younger than me and has been married for 5 years. He is not happy with his sex life at home. Neither of us wants to end our marriages but we both need some excitement. We've kissed and gone to "second base". Now we are talking about the next step. I scared and excited.

Valerie:

You have already cheated if you have gone to 2nd base uder your shirt. If it is over the shirt, then it isn't cheating

I hate to sound a little woo woo here, but what about emotional affairs? I know too many people who've had them or whose spouses have. I'm getting ready to get married, can you affair-proof your marriage (including emotional affairs!)???? HOW???

Jeff, would you ever fall in love with any of the women you see outside of your marriage? You obviously love your wife, but I am curious how you manage the emotional feelings that you might develop towards women you have sex with. In other words, how is it possible to not have sex with your wife but love her, yet not love other women that you do have sex with?

I have emotionally cheated. I don't love the guy but I care about him. I think about how our first time will be. I wonder what he feels like and tastes like all the time. I can't wait to go down on him and taste him, and he me.

valerie you're disgusting. this isn't a porn site for you to talk about your tasteless and vulgar affair. your poor husband. i hope he catches you and finds himself a wonderful woman and leaves you in the gutter where you obviously belong.

Leah why are you on this site? This is an open forum. If it upsets you then get off.

Woa there! Let's be nice people.

I know what Valerie is going through, and sure, I would not be so descriptive either... (it would help to stay cleaner)

Hey, maybe if she talks about it - something positive will come about....????

Sorry, I thought I was being clean. Those are just the things that I'm thinking about. I can't possably be the only wife who has thought about being with another man.

I definitely want to party with Valerie. She sounds like she is open to lots of adventures.

I think that it is only cheating if it means something. If you just are having a little nookie, and nobody knows, then it is not cheating...its a fun evening.

Emotional cheating prolly worse than Physical cheating but both are just fucking wrong. If you wanna cheat, just break up with the other person. Married or not. Don't be a pussy and cheat.

Yea. we have a strong society. pft

Who on earth said that using a vibrator was cheating??? If that was the case, then my friends and I would all be cheaters!!

Wow! I can't believe that someone would actually think that kissing is not cheating. My husband betrayed me with an emotional affair 2 years ago and I'm stil having a hard time getting over it. They were just "friends" who talked every once in a while. This is all that I know. I know that if I suspected physical activity I would definitely be in therapy. Please be fair to your spouses. If you aren't happy or satisfied.....talk to them. Don't take the easy way out and follow your libido. It can really get you into a lot of trouble. Trust is something that is not easily regain. Please think before you do anything foolish and remember that maybe your spouse isn't happy either. It's only fair to them that you come clean.

Something to think about. If you are giving something, anything, to another person outside of your marriage, then you aren't able to give enough to the marriage you are in. You are not only cheating on the other person but yourself. If you are unhappy then I believe you should talk about it. And you shouldn't depend on the other person to always make you happy - boredom is something that comes from within. So work on your boredom - find new friends, find things to do...but trying to get back that 'fun' feeling from someone outside the marriage means you are harming the marriage...and I see it as an immature way of dealing with one's feelings. If I am unhapy, I don't blame it on my fiance...he's a good guy - and so I try to find a way (that will work with the relationship) to make myself happy. True love, long lasting love, is so much more important to me than a fling. And trying to find times to get back to that 'zazoom' feeling is what I hope will keep us married for life. Will I find others...cont.

attractive during our marriage? Heck yeah. I'm not dead. But I hope that we will both CHOOSE to stay within the marriage and work on making it fun and interesting. I love myself too much to do something I find morally wrong - I've just seen so much hurt from people cheating, both emotionally and physically...

I have to say, as a reformed cheater (my first husband, not my current one and no, I was never caught) that any kind of emotional or physical investment that you make in someone other than your spouse/significant other is cheating. Tooling around with a vibrator, not cheating. Finger fucking the housewife next door, totally cheating. I would never dream of carrying on any kind of affair in my current marriage (I was married for five years the first time and got tired of sneaking around). If I was not satisfied in my current situation, I would try and work it out with my husband and if that didn't work then I would leave him. I adore him and worship the ground that he walks on, but if one is unsatisfied and it cannot be worked out then the relationship is not healthy and will eventually implode anyway. Why postpone the inevitable and make everyone miserable including any children that may be involved?

My husband was gay and a cross dresser. He cheated on me with other men. I couldn't get passed that and we divorced. My parents and friends thought I should have stayed and helped him. they said he didn't really cheat on me.

My husband told me thinks about having sex w/another woman. It hurts so bad and I dont know what to do. To me he has already cheated on me. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

mommy4 - unfortunately, I've heard that many many men think this. Yours just happens to be one that has admitted to it...and maybe that's not the best thing to do, huh?

mommy4- My husband sees attractive women and has said "I'd do her". It's, however a stranger and so I don't put much stock in it. On occasion, I've seen attractive men and have said "I'd do him". Again, no biggie, we both see other people we could "do it with". The woman your husband is refering to, is it someone you know or is it a stranger. Is it something he thinks about often, or was it an off hand remark? Probably doesn't matter to you but I'm just wondering.

Well about a year and a half ago my wife and I were in 2 seperate car accidents and it really screwed everything up for us. We both became depressed and she kept trying to tell me that she wasn't happy. I tried to understand what she was going through and be supportive but she didn't think it was enough so she started meeting people online and talking to them on her cell phone too. I was distraught. I didn't know what to do. I felt so betrayed. I tried to let it go and show her that I still loved her but she just kept blowing me off. She said that I abandoned her in her time of need and that I didn't love her. Then about a year ago she traveled to Florida to actually meet for the purposes of sex one of her online buddies. I was so wrecked I thought of sucicide. When she got back she tole me that they hadn't had sex and I beleived her. But when it came down to it, the only reason they hadn't was he had rejected her. Well soon after she told me she wanted a divorce and we seperated. We have been seperated for cont.

10 months. I still love her so much. Even now that she has a boyfriend which I found out about about 2 weeks ago. I still want to get back together with her and continually tell her how much she means to me but she says she can't go backwards only forward. The really messed up part is that we have 2 kids also. Well I guess to sum up my sad story: I would say that even though she has cheated on me I know we can make it work and I still love her so very much. Guess I'm just hopeless?

I just found out that my husband of 5 years has been carrying on phone conversations and txt msg with another woman that is single. It has put a huge strain on our marriage but he says he didn't do anything wrong. How do I get him to see that I consider this cheating even though there was no physical contact between the two.

Shell
I'm doing the same thing to my husband. Only the guy I'm talking to and texting is also married. My husband doesn't know, he would be crushed if he found out. I love my husband very much but there is something so exciting about it. The text between me and the other guy is very suggestive and sexual. We do occasionally meet for drinks but nothing has progressed beyond that yet. If one of us ever opened that door, I know we would walk through. Your husband could just have a innocent friendship with another woman. Eventually sexual tension will grow, that can't be helped in my oponion. I don't know what to tell you but I thought you would want to hear from the other side. Good luck and tell your husband your concerns.

I ended a 6-mo. affair about 6 months ago. My husband found out and was devastated. I say it was a 6-mo. affair, but he says it was longer because I had been emotionally involved way before the sex. I can see where he's coming from, but I still think it's an affair when sex is involved. It's a great idea to talk to your spouse if you're not happy. BUT,it's important that your spouse be open to listening and take what you're saying seriously. That was my problem. Every time I tried to tell him I wasn't happy, felt like a dishrag and servant, etc., he would actually say "is this another chapter in your book? You have a great life - deal with it!" There were comments about how I nag and rag all the time. However, when something similar recently came up, after standing my ground, he realized that when I was sharing my feelings, he was actually being the jerk trying to turn things around because he didn't like what he was hearing. But 6 months ago, I was at the point where I just didn't even care about him.

Let me just say that when you and your partner make a commitment and a convenant together in marriage that any cheating, whether it be physical or emotional, is cheating. When you cheat you are breaking that covenant and commitment. I dont care how you feel about the secret lover in your life, if you know you are going to cheat then leave your husband. Dont leave him heart broken when he finds out that youve been in an affair for many years. If you want your husband and want a lover at the same time, then your simply selfish. You cant have the best of both worlds without being a selfish adultress. Its plain and simple ladies, cheating is very wrong and selfish. If you love your husband, I mean truly truly love him, then you probably couldnt even imagine ever being with another man. Id have to question if ppl like Valerie really love their husbands like they say they do. True love wouldnt even be able to do something like that....ever. Thats not love.

Let me just say that when you and your partner make a commitment and a convenant together in marriage that any cheating, whether it be physical or emotional, is cheating. When you cheat you are breaking that covenant and commitment. I dont care how you feel about the secret lover in your life, if you know you are going to cheat then leave your husband. Dont leave him heart broken when he finds out that youve been in an affair for many years. If you want your husband and want a lover at the same time, then your simply selfish. You cant have the best of both worlds without being a selfish adultress. Its plain and simple ladies, cheating is very wrong and selfish. If you love your husband, I mean truly truly love him, then you probably couldnt even imagine ever being with another man. Id have to question if ppl like Valerie really love their husbands like they say they do. True love wouldnt even be able to do something like that....ever. Thats not love.

I completly agree with Foxychicky. How can you say you love your husband then you want to have a relationship with another man. That's not love that is sick and twisted. Did you settle on your husband cause that's what it sounds like. Try putting some of that energy into your marriage instead of other questionable destructive relationships.

hang in there

I have been separated for almost two years now, after my marriage was ended by a second affair from my wife. I really feel sorry for people that cheat more than for those who get cheated upon. I am so into faithfulness and loyalty that I have come to think low of people that cheat... sadly because I really think most do it out of emotional ignorance rather than bad intentions. I probably am a bit sensitive to this subject due to the fact that I have been a victim of unfaithfulness a few times... sensitive up to the point of getting watery eyes from some cheaters' posts here... it saddens me not only to think of how many people are being cheated upon right this moment, but also on the particular hurtfulness this causes to people that feel betrayed. But then again... isn't it one's fault not finding a truly loyal person? I get a grip by concluding that I rip what I sow, and that maybe as it was my fault for not listening to her when she said things weren't Ok just as it is my fault to have fell in love to a cheater

I used to be with a girl that cheated on me. She used to say he was "just a friend" but she would always be writing him letters, giving him hugs, and looking for excuses to hang out with him. I didnt think much of it cause i didnt want to seem possessive.I think she did that to get me jealous so i can get closer to her. All it did though was push me away from her,i figured she doesnt really want me if shes investing all this time with her friend. Well i think she thought of him as a friend but i could tell from just looking at the guy that he wanted to be more than friends with her. Well i broke it off with her, said i just wanted to end it, never told her why but it was because i felt she just didnt want me. During a business trip months later i find out she was now dating her guy friend. Well its been about over a yr since then. Shes broken up with that guy but they still remain friends. I saw her at a work conference and she asked me out. I said yes. Should i expect to rekindle some old flames or be cautious?

i have been cheated on by my husband and i knew it was going on i kept letting him lie to me about it i am pregnant with his second baby and we are going through a hard time well i found dirty pics of this girl he works with on his cell phone i knew they were seeing each other but i did not know that they were sleeping together but i had a feeling that he was i asked him all the time about it and he just said i was crazy well finally he told me he had sex with her twice so we are trying to work things out so i was wondering if anyone here had the same or similar problem and how did they get over it because i'm having a hard time forgetting bout it and am i doing the right thing by staying with him i love him with all my heart and we have 2 kids i just don't know if someone can help me please let me know

i have been cheated on too. it doesn't feel good and alot of the time i think it is because i am no longer attractive.
we have had five children and are expecting twins in july but he threatens to leave me constantly. he tells me i will never find anyone else.
as someone who has been on the "hurt" end of the deal let me say it is better to walk awwy before you cheat than try to hide it!! after six years it may be better to walk away now.

I am in love with my boyfriend's best friend. We just click with everything... sense of humor, talking, work ethic, can't get enough of him... I love my boyfriend also... The three of us are inseparable... I don't know what to do... I fantasize about our friend constantly and its the only thing that excites me anymore. Nothing can ever happen, but I just don't know what to do. Ally

I don't want to preach to the choir, but the fact is that sometimes, people in a relationship (marriage) come to a point where one or both of them realize they are completely unsuited in at least one department. If it's something fairly innocuous (decorating, let's say), then there's no reason that reasonable people can't figure out some middle ground. If it's sex- and the differences are HUGE, that's another story. I have now "survived" 10 years with my "soul-mate"- that man who I really, truly believed understood and LOVED me without reservation. This is a 2nd marriage (10 years each), and I was divorced 5 years between. Swore I'd never do it again unless I was certain.
So here I am sitting across from him while he snores away another evening. He rarely sleeps in our bed (sleeps better on the couch), and needs the damn TV on all night while he sleeps. I can count (on both hands) the times he's actually "lusted" after me- the last time was 8 months ago on vacation (drunk). OOPS- used up all my words!