What is Normal in Bed?

I used to think I was normal in the frequency department. Until I read this response to What Men Want on New Year's Eve:

"I give my husband access to my body almost every day of the year. I ask for 2 nights off, New Year's Eve and our Arbor Day (don't ask, it's a long story). That means we have sex approximately 500 times a year. I feel like that's enough. I am tired. I just want to watch the ball drop in peace with my 8 children. Its a nice family night. "

I suddenly feel very inadequate! Is this even true? If so, I'm only getting a tiny fraction of what Meg's getting!

What IS normal?

I think it is what works for you and your significant other. I'm not sure Meg's 500-time-a -year situation works for her. If it did - well, that would make it normal for them....even though it makes me feel like Britney Spears wearing underwear -- PRUDE...and I can't even use the excuse I have two kids -- Meg has EIGHT!

Meg- we need some tips on how to fit all that in with 8 kids running around the house. How do you guys do it????

Geez, the grass is ALWAYS greener, huh?

Plus? I am DYING to know the Arbor Day story....

Cheers! Heidi

Comments

While we're on the subject...Dr Laura was on the Today show this morning, claiming that you should never turn down sex from your spouse. Doesn't matter how tired/cranky/not in the mood you are - if s/he asks, the other person should ALWAYS go for it. In other words, ladies - well I don't have to explain. Does anyone have any experience with this concept??

I don't have any experience with the concept, but sure wish that I did!!

I've heard this from her, and the main point is that you end the fear of rejection between the two of you. You never have to worry about someone saying "not tonight, honey", because honestly no one wants to hear that.

This isn't practiced in our house, so I don't have a lot of experience WITH the actual practice... but that's the theory. Plus, there's that whole bonding thing, and how people tend to fight less and be less cranky when they get laid more often.

Although? 500 times a year? Is a little too much for me!

Do be careful with the free access. Works great (probly) for the typical guy, but NOT with selfish, self-oriented people like addicts. Dr. Laura puts a disclaimer in her book to this point, and let me tell you it's true. I killed myself taking "proper care and feeding" of my husband for 10+ years with no reward but lots of grief, and it made things worse and worse because he's an addict and it basically enabled him to escalate without consequence. Reserve this for the honorable guys who will do what's right regardless of one's desire.

I give my husband complete access to me which keeps us both happy. Like I said before, it keeps him in my bed and not someone else's. I actually have a couple of friends that just found out (about the same time) that their men were cheating on them and they couldn't figure out why even though they said that they weren't having sex with them. One of them was tired of having sex with her husband after 13 years and the other one with held sex as punishment. I say, let sex be a reward and keep you both happy!
I, personally, would love sex 500 times a year; although I think that Meg may be exagerating a little bit. Of course, 500 times a year would explain why she has 8 kids (if she does actually have 8 kids). That and not knowing how to use birth control properly; of course, she could be Catholic...

It sounds like the 500 times is all about the husband and that she sounds boring when you have to negotiate a night off. Sometimes it is awesome to let the wanting build up a little. We are very active and creative and I do think you have to be careful about declining. Don't say "no" Say "Oh I wish I had the energy and I will be thinking about the next time". The ego for both are very sensitive!

I always get turned down to make love with my boyfriend he always tells me no . because of past exceriences. he don't want sex at all.

Interesting that I don't see many responses from guys here. Let me be the first. I do have a vested interest in the subject as my company manufactures a device that will help improve your ability to achieve something with pelvic floor exercise.
My experience is that frequency is very much related to age. In your twenties once or twice a day may not be uncommon but as you get older testosterone levels drop, particularly after 35 and levels of ability drop off. I personally think that mental desire is still there, but the physical ability to reach orgasm frequently reduces.
So to get personal, I am nearly 50 and once or twice a week for me is just wonderful!

I am curious Murray. What does pelvic floor exercise have to do with sex?

To put it very simply, the pelvic floor muscles surround the vagina. Muscles have a lot of nerve endings in them. The bigger and stronger the pelvic floor muscles the more sensation you will have during intercourse. So you will have more sensation and so will your husband. Why? Because when your pelvic floor muscles are bigger, you will feel tighter to him. It will make your vagina feel smaller. This is most important after you have given birth (especially like in Megs case 8 times!) as your pelvic floor muscles have been stretched to the limit and they don't ever return to "normal". If you do lots of pelvic floor exercise you can help them return to almost normal. If you go to our website at www.pelvicfloorexerciser.com you can learn a little bit more.

I cannot believe that I am the focus of a blog...I do have 8 kids and I am Catholic. Here's the one thing that I learned about sex....sex is like the stock market. If you invest it in it, you get big dividends. My husband will do practically anything that I ask if I give it to him.....

From my point of view, what is the big deal. Even if I am not in the mood, I can "satisfy" him pretty quickly with a couple of tugs, a moan and a groan, and a little talking dirty. Boom! The act is over. It's all good.

This is another good link www.pelvicfloorkegel.com. Tlaks more about incontinence than sex but the two things are very much linked.

As a husband who has strayed -- some before 2006, A LOT last year -- let me say that I was driven to it by a dwindling frequency and an utter sameness every time we did it. My wife doesn't know, and I hope she never finds out, but she really could have prevented all this with some more effort. Any woman who doesn't understand that is just not living in the real world.

I am very interested in this topic, and I am a guy.

I think we should do an informal poll to get to the bottom of this because I am now feeling very inadequate thanks to Meg.

I have been in a 10 year realtionship and I am 40. I am down to sex twice a week, unless there is a holiday in there, which means that I get it another day.

Anyone else want to volunteer?

PS--This is easily the best blog

I am 35 and I have been married 7 years. We still have sex twice a week. My problem is that my husband is now into "exploring unknown territory" and I am really not interested in going there.

After reading Jeff's comments, I am now starting to get worried. Any advice?

I am 40 and after 10 years of marriage, my husband wanted to "explore". We did anal for the first time during the summer. It wasn't the best for me but he really liked it. I want to make him happy so we do it every couple of months. Because I opened up to new ideas, now he is too. He wants to try new stuff that I'm suggesting. We are both reading how to books and getting a kick out of them and trying what the books say to and we're having fun. Our sex life has really improved. Don't be afraid to "open the door".

Yes, here's my advice: you don't have to engage in everything he asks. If you're not interested in anal, maybe that's where you draw the line. (That's not my issue, btw). But you could be willing to try a few new things. If I brought a book home, like Valerie and her husband are doing, there's zero chance my wife would look at it. She isn't willing to try anything new. Nothing. But other women I've been with are, so off I go to their beds. I hate to be so crass, but that's the way it goes. It also used to be that if you wanted to hire a hooker, you had to troll around the seediest parts of town. Now all you have to do is go on the Internet. And with secret e-mail accounts, cell phones with erasable records and plenty of hotel mileage points, cheating has never been easier!(And I haven't yet used the services of a hooker, btw).

I really wish I had a husband that was more into me - I could have sex at least 5 times a week, and he is happy with five times a month. Sex is awesome when we do it though, so should be glad for that; we are very into "exploring" and fantasy too. And, we have been together 15+ years and married 12 with one child.

Jeff, are you asking her to try new things, or just bringing them/trying them out in bed? I love it when my husband comes in with something completely new - and I have no clue until he is doing it.

Her attitudes toward talking about sex or trying new things are so hopeless that I'm afraid to even try, because it may end the little I get now. The strange thing is that the rest of our relationship is pretty good. The sad part is that she really doesn't understand that I'm dying inside because of this. I'm almost scared to think that sex-wise, it is never going to get any better than this in my marriage. So I'm going places where it IS better than this. I'm not going to settle. Let me add that nobody would ever figure me for a cheater. If people in my town knew, they would die of shock.

Well Jeff, make sure to wear your raincoat and have great fun - I hope to pick you up one night when you least suspect! Good Luck -

What are all of these "new things" that everyone is talking about? What books?

A new thing is anything different than the old things, so take your pick. And they're all in the book...the books...the thousands of books. Definitely no shortage of how-to manuals out there. I page through them in the bookstore, looking for tips on what to do with the other women in my life, since my wife won't do any of them.

Can you give me one example of something that your wife won't do that these other "ladies" are willing to do? I think you are making this all up.

Last night, I got dressed for dinner, low cut sweater, jeans, hooker boots. Not one comment from my husband. So, when we went to bed early, and he wanted some action, I told him no bc he didn't appreciate me. I told him all the men in the restaurant were looking at me, and he didn't even say I looked good. So, he started telling me he did appreciate me, and that I looked great, all while massaging my legs and back. I just kept saying no, and then told him I could resist bc I had satisfied myself that afternoon with out him. He just kept begging and begging, and finally got the hint I want to be "forced". When he had my hand above my head with one hand and finally got my hips to be still enough to get inside me with the other - that baby was something NEW. And I came almost as soon as he entered me. It was awesome.

remember the line in "the witches of eastwick" i believe it was jack nicholson saying men complain about making love to a dead person and they don't even realize they are the ones who killed her. alot of men who complain should take a look at how much they contribute to a relationship.

I want sex as often as possible! My relationship has dwindled to once per week! He says nothing's wrong, we just don't have to occasion. We're living temporarily in a 1 bedroom with his 18 year old who's only out on the weekends. It's very frustrating. When we have sex it's terrific and it's a marathon so I have no complaints there, I just wish we'd go back to the every other day like when we first met. I want to be lusted after again!!

Jeff, I recently met someone like you - with a wife who was conservative in bed and an unfilling sex life. We may be heading to an affair. I love my husband and don't want to end our marriage, but it's just so exciting to maybe be with someone else.

I am 26..my gf puts out1 or 2 a week. She keeps saying that is plenty..She says that all her friends say that they put out 1 a month and that I should feel lucky..It sucks for me and wonder if this is gonna get worst as we get older??

Jenny: You think I'm making this all up and you want examples? OK, here goes: I'm not allowed to give oral sex. I sure don't get it. Lingerie disappeared long, long ago. There's no position except missionary. I can't put my fingers inside her. The other women suck and lick my nipples which I love. My wife might touch them occasionally that's it. Is that enough?
Valerie, I've been where you are and an affair is wrong in so many ways, but still just about the most exciting thing I've ever been involved in. It made me feel desireable again and I liked it so much with the first one that I couldn't stop and kept going. But the first one was definitely the most exciting. (Lay your cursor over my name, and you can write me at the address that should show up at the bottom left corner of your browser).

Tim, if you're 26 and your girlfriend is only giving it to you once or twice a week and boasting that even at that she's better than her friends, the answer is definitely yes...it will get a lot worse as you get older. Of course, your not doing it a lot now anyway, lol, so you don't have too far too fall. Actually, you do. It could drop to zero.

Ok, I don't know about the other women in the world but saying no to men should be a no no. But men saying no to a woman should be a no no as well. If one of the partners has a need, the other should fulfill it. Personally I get it once or twice a month. My vibe gives me more action than my man but he comes home every night and I don't have to worry about him at night. Ladies, if you don't have a vibe, I reccommend getting one soon. At first I felt silly about it but now...if the batteries run low I freak out. It's an awesome alternative and keeps me satisfied. When he's not in the mood, I just go upstairs when he falls asleep and voila! I'm SASIFIED.

Hmmm Jeff, I don't think cheating on your wife is the answer to your not feeling fulfilled sexually. Couldn't you sit down and talk about your needs with her? Perhaps there is a reason for her disinterest in sexual exploration, maybe a problem that could be resolved?

I really feel sorry for you Jeff. Sounds like you have tried really hard to make your life a bit interesting. But I am not convinced that playing the field like you are will help. It won't help your marriage last. Eventually she will find out, no matter how careful you are. And of course she will wonder why. AFTER she has thrown you out the door.
And MELISSA, being unfaithful with a vibrator is almost as bad as being unfaithful with another man. You need to work on your relationship a bit if you are having to resort to that.

Meg - you definately have it figured out for you guys - we're all just IN AWE!

But really - just thank you for sharing. I LURVE hearing aboutthe range of what is working for others. It really helps us all put things in perspective for our own situations. You rock.

Hey, Jeff - you suck. Why dont you inform your wife of the debacle and WORK IT OUT BETWEEN THE 2 OF YOU before straying. Creep.

I thought I should chime in....you all should know that Jeff has a very small penis, and he has no idea what to do with his tongue. Moreover, after sex, he is asleep in 2 minutes....boring

Jeff, would you ever fall in love with any of the women you see outside of your marriage? You obviously love your wife, but I am curious how you manage the emotional feelings that you might develop towards women you have sex with. In other words, how is it possible to not have sex with your wife but love her, yet not love other women that you do have sex with?

We certainly are creative in our comments, aren't we?
--I would say that given that all of the women I was with last year came back at least once, and in some cases, several more times, that my technique was not an issue.
--I would say that I loved one of the women I was with. She was the one that went back before 2006. I liked all of the other women on more than just a sexual level and I am still in touch with all of them. There weren't any one-night stands in there.
--What I really want to do in this world is get it on with my wife, a lot, and in lots and lots of different ways. That's my ideal. I still lust after her. But it's not available to me.

Jeff - that's both very very scary - and in a very twisted way a sweet husband thing to say....

Aren't there therapists to go to? (sex therapists?)

And, WHERE do you find ALL those women? that's amazing....

It's a big country. :-) Actually what happened to me in 2006 blows me away. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that frequency of sexcapades could happen to a married guy in one year.

OK Big Shot - how many women have you been with since you got married? Don't include your wife.

Do you think your marital issues are ONLY sex-related?

Do you have kids??

And thanks for starting such an interesting discussion!!

First answer: More than one but less than 10. But before 2006 started just one. Don't want to say more.

Second answer: Yes though I know most people wont believe that. It really is sex related. I'm pretty happy otherwise.

Third answer: Yes, kids, not telling how many, but less than Meg, that's for sure. But more than one.

And I don't think I'm a big shot which is why I can't believe what happened to me.

I am amazed to hear how Jeff is talking about his story. He has been talking as though he is just an innocent bystander to the sexual desires of various women. "...I can't believe what happened to me." Wake up - it didn't "happen to you" it happened WITH you. Don't kid yourself and act like the innocent one. Rather, like a real winner in some weird cheater game. You speak of cheating with such enthusiasm.

Maybe a marriage/ sex therapist could help the 2 of you out. You and your wife, that is.

I'm interested to know - do your partners know you're married?

I want Murry to explain how using a vibrator is cheating.....WTF? If I didn't have mine, I would be one unhappy camper and my hubby likes me to use it in our play.

Jeff, You really need to talk to your wife. Find out why she doesn't want to play. Don't ask her to do more/different things, just why she's not wanting to work with you. To me it sounds like she has issues with you. I'm not talking sex issues so much as not getting enough of the type of attention she wants from you. For me, lack of small sweet attention (non-sexual touch/caresses, thoughtful actions like doing a hated chore so I could craft or sew) has a direct affect on how I feel about having sex.

My partners all know I am married. And some of have husbands. (I know one of them!) It didn't "happen" to me, i know damn well i'm not innocent, and i'm not "blaming" anybody else. i guess what i am saying is that i can't believe my seduction efforts actually were successful. Carrie, I know you probably won't believe this, but there is lots of that small sweet attention, probably not as much as some women like, but that's part of the problem. One failure in that department at 3 p.m. and it's thrown back in my face at bedtime, "you screwed up this afternoon so I'm not having sex." I haven't said here some of the things that I HAVE said to my wife about this so that she doesn't suspect that this writer is me should she come across this blog. That means there have been talks. I realize that I'm the subject of a lot of anger by writing all these things, but it does sort of feel good to get it off my chest. But it also means that I get the blame. But maybe you should accept that I'm married to a lousy lover.

If she's that way (sounds almost like emotionally abusive - been there - i know it sucks) you should separate.

Thank you Carrie - I said the same thing about the vibrators. And for all of those of you who support the whole - "when they want it I'll give them some" point of view, I have to say are you just crazy or new to the whole marriage thing?

I'm not crazy (although I am a newly-wed, but for the second time). I know how to keep my husband happy (blow jobs, kinky stuff, sex whenever) and in turn he keeps me happy (nice house, nice clothes, don't have to worry about money, beautiful son, GREAT sex whenever I want it because he wants it with some frequency) and he doesn't go looking for it else where like Jeff is. I also have a vibrator and I use it on my own and with my husband (he uses it on me, not the other way around! lol) and neither of us consider it cheating. Jeff is a perfect example of why you should let your husband have his way with sex. I don't have to worry about where my husband is or where he goes because he's in our bed, or on our couch, or in our shower, or on our back porch, etc. etc. ;)

Thank you, LilMissSassy Pants. You clearly GET it. It may be woefully politically incorrect to say the things you've said, but changes in society aren't going to change the centuries-old urges of men, which a really smart woman -- not necessarily book smart, or career smart -- knows how to tame.

Wow! This is a lot to ponder. My wife doesn't put out the way I would like, but Jeff is playing a dangerous game.

hmm, Keith, I'm curious....care to expand on that "the way I would like" ??

Frequency? or actual 'way' ???

jeff - sadly, your relationship sounds like my old one. i was the unwilling wife. hubby and i are since divorced, and in a new relationship now, i'm a completely different person sexually - way WAY more open. could some of your problems be attributed to you? maybe your wife resents things you've done in the past? have you considered counseling? regardless, i know too well that talking doesn't help. you need to get to the root of her problem with you. does she really not know about your cheating? maybe she denies it in her mind and doesn't mind since it saves her the 'responsibility' of meeting your needs? ultimately, all i can say is do anything you can to avoid divorce - it's hell on the kids AND you.

Its interesting reading about other's posts each person has an unique experience. My husband wants sex every other day but I like it only twice a week. Intially when we married we would do it almost every day. Just like some women I dont enjoy wearing lingerie much anymore. I dont know why..except for a few extra pounds I am very proportionally curvy but I think its just not comfortable. My husband likes to buy me lingerie and he would beg me to wear it.I wear it on special days like new year or valentines..the sexiest one is always reserved for his birthday when I dont mind making up for the rest of the days. but on a normal day a gstring, demi bra is just not comfortable..half of the breast popping out and the strain on the back due to the bra just doesnt put you in a sexy mood. I am worried sometimes about not being more available to my husband physically. I also sometimes avoid tight clothes as my husband becomes very physical. I love my husband a lot but just cant help it.

I cheated on my first husband, and tore my family apart (they find out eventually) My reasons for cheating wern't only sexual...I wasn't getting the emotional stuff...I was suffering inside... Thru my marriage I had numerous "crushes" and finally ended up in bed with one of them. I'm married for the second time. The sex is very satisfying but the frequency has dropped off a lot since we're past the "honeymoon" stage. I'd love to have it more, but my DH gets up early and works very hard. When I'm horny and he's tired, I can satisfy myself in 2 minutes..bingo bango, I'm done and cuddling with my sweetie. I'm satisfied with just being held (my first DH wasn't a cuddler). I AM much happier this time but regardless of wehter i was or not would NEVER cheat again...it hurts too many people...If you want out, get out, but don't do it that way...
As far as viberators go...Definately not cheating...but if you're sharing emotional stuff with another...CHEATING....just my opinion...

I just happened upon this blog and am I ever happy I did. I have some concerns and problems in the bedroom and I hope that I can get some help. I am 47 he is 51. We have sex every other night, usually. I would be happy if we NEVER had sex again, but I do it because I want to make him happy. I do easily achieve orgasm and usually within a few minutes he does too. But he's still not happy. He wants to do things that make me uncomfortable, I find gross. He says they're normal things, not gross. I will do oral though I don't like receiving it. I sometimes do a sexy dance for a minute or two, though feel silly. I will wear modestly sexy (not crotchless or garters or silly stuff) lingerie. Still he complains because there's not enough variety.
Am I too much of a prude? Why can't I get into this? I really don't like it at all anymore.

I dont think you should have sex w/you wife/husband every time she wants to just to keep them from cheating on you. If they love you like they say you do then that should be enough to keep them from cheating on you. I think sex is important in a marriage dont get me wrong. I am a mother of four daughters and after a long and tiring day of taking care them and my hubby I just want to be able to crawl into bed and go get a good nights sleep.

I have been married fours and my husband has started talking about doing some things sexually that I am totally not comfortable with. I want him to be happy but will not go against what I believe to make him happy cause that will only make me unhappy.

i like this chat room

i like this chat room

Mommy4 - precisely. I think I will begin to resent him if I give into his wishes. The stuff he wants to do is not totally weird or anything, it's just a little too kinky for me - maybe not for others.
But I do give into sex more often than I'd like to because it creates harmony in the home. (a la Dr. Laura) He's less grumpy. It literally takes 10 mins tops - and we are done.It is not a result of a threat of cheating on me, He would never cheat on me, and it makes me happy to make him happy, as long as it's within my limits. It's just those times when he wants more, things that make me uncomfortable - I'd feel like a cheap slut doing those things. Sorry, I'm not a porn queen. I can put up with straight sex, and some oral stuff, and maybe a peep show, but not the gross stuff.

Andrea, as the designated bad person on this blog, let me say that your comment that he would never cheat, given your attitude, is one you may want to rethink. That's what I thought about me. That's what my wife thinks about me to this day. But my wife's a prude, and I'm bored to tears. So I've wound up in other people's beds. It might happen to you.

Jeff - I can say with 100% certainty that he has never cheated. If he did he would tell me. I can set my clock by his schedule, we live in a very rural area and he is a recluse. He doesn't have a social life beyond work. He doesn't drink or go out. I know where he is all the time. Either work, home or on the way home. He knows that if he ever cheated on me, the kids and I would be gone, and our daughter is THE most important thing is his world.
I have never said no to him unless I am sick.
Believe me, I wish I wasn't such a prude. In my younger days, I LOVED sex, even weird stuff, but I was also a drug and alcohol abuser. When I got sober (about 18 years ago), I still enjoyed it but I didn't get too wild. Then after the kids came (in my 30's) I wanted NOTHING to do with. Mommmy Mode. It's been a struggle, and I am working on it. I even came home for lunch yesterday (he had the day off) and hopped in the sack for a quickie.My idea, and it was only to please him not because I was in the mood. I wish I could be!

Andrea
How old are you now? After I had kids in my 30's I lost interest also. Now I'm 40 and am always thinking about sex. I want it more than my husband. I want the kinky stuff and to expriment.I know he wants me but I'm not getting it enough. What a switch !!!

I stay at a home with four children almost 24/7 they are up at the crack of dawn every morning. My husband never gets up with them yet He expects me to stay up with them all day and make love all night. I usually can keep that up for about three days before I'm just exhausted and he acts like he doesn't understand why.

Flowergirl - I am 47 -That is a switch - I wish we could swap attitudes then everyone would be happy!
MrsDiva - I too get exhausted and wonder if that's why I am not in the mood. We both work fulltime. for him the workday stops when he walks thru the door. For me, I am catching up on laundry, cleaning up after supper, etc and my day doesn't end until 9P -then he wants action. that's tough when all I want to do is collapse. I haven't the least bit of interest, though I know it is the one thing that holds this marriage together and the only thing that pleases my husband. If he's happy, then everyone is happy. If he's unhappy, get out of the way (no he doesn't get violent, just snarls like a bear). The other main problem is that we have NOTHING in common except for the kids. We share no common hobby or activity. As for the subject of this blog, I will give it when asked - but why can't it just be straight sex. Why isn't that enough? I'd say he should be happy getting that regularly without a complaint.

I would say that the one thing that has been the most shocking thing I've learned from the explosion of the Internet is just how many escorts/hookers/whores, whatever you want to call them, out there. Multitudes, and with bulletin boards that you can get reviews on. It was unbelievable to me when I saw how many there were. I've never actually used an escort, but in answer to your question about "why can't it be just straight sex?", I would say that if a man wants something more than just straight sex, it is very easy to find someplace else to get it. So if you think he should be happy just that he's getting it, fine. But maybe he won't think so, and maybe he won't have to settle. He doesn't have to go and seduce somebody. All he needs to do is go online, chec the review boards and pull out his wallet.

Jeff- Do you travel for work and is that where you meet the women that you sleep with or are they from your home town?

Jeff
Do you travel for work and is that where you meet the women that you sleep with or are they from your home town?

jeff - I appreciate being able to discuss this with you, even though, in my book, your are a scumbag for cheating on your wife. You are jeopardizing a your relationship with your kids because of your selfishness.
She's willing to put out at least, right? Just not in the way you want her to? (correct me if this is a wrong assumption) - If that's the only issue, then you should be happy you're getting at least something. It makes me very uncomfortable to do the things my husband would like me to do. Why does he want to do gross stuff that has nothing to do with romance or emotion. It's just slutty porn stuff and its disgusting. Why can't he accept that, instead of forcing the issue. I put out every other night, pretend to like it, smile, giggle and get it over with. He won't do ANYTHING he's uncomfortable with - he's comfortable will all aspects of sex, but other things in life, like going to a party, or participating in things that interest me -I don't force the issue, I accept him that way.

Jeff - I was just reviewing the posts in this blog - some really good insight here. couple of comments/questions: First, aren't you concerned about STDs going with all those other women?
Secondly, those things you listed about your wife in bed, I can understand your frustration - that's REALLY boring sex (But i'd be happy with it)- I can see your point.

I don't mind giving my husband oral sex at all - but I hate receiving it. It gives me no pleasure. But I do let him do it. No big deal. His other wishes include anal sex and ejaculating on my face and neck. THATS JUST GROSS! I'm a middle-aged woman, not some 20 y.o. slut. I say absolutely no to the latter and have agreed to the former maybe a dozen times in our 15 year marriage. As far as positioning, there are only about 3 positions I can do without feeling pain. My cervix is positioned oddly and it hurts like hell in some positions.
So, do I still sound like a frigid bed partner?
Valerie - what are the books you mentioned above?
thanks

Andrea
Just go to the sexuality section of your favorite book store. Don't feel embarassed, lots of people do it. There are books on sexual massage as well as technique and games. Find what works for you.

Valerie and Andrea:

--I won't tell you whether they are at home or traveling or even whether I do travel. That might identify me. I agree that why a guy would want to shoot cum all over a woman's face is beyond me. I agree that marriage is a two-way street. But I do participate in things my wife is interested in. I'm one of her biggest supporters.

And now I'm going to say something that sounds like it's not true, but it is the God's honest truth. An incident happened in my family that was almost like a message from above. It made me realize how much I might lose. And I swear, I think I've seen the light. I know that sounds ridiculous, after everything I've written here, but maybe that's the sign from God: you've been writing about adultery, and now here's what awaits you if you get caught. I won't tell you what it was, because then I'd really be identifiable if my wife reads this, but I swear, this was just unbelievable, the timing and everything.

If what happened made you realize how much you love your wife, then GOOD for BOTH of you! And as for the women who foolishly think that sex at home is going to keep a man from straying--you are just flat out wrong, ladies, and I hope you never find that out the hard way. A man who wants to cheat will cheat.

Bill Clinton set one hell of an example for men with cheating hearts. The message was simple, oral sex is not cheating.

After reading this blog, I see that the desire to cheat is not limited to men. My conclusion however is that anyone that has a "need" to be fulfilled will eventually attempt to satisfy that need, with/without their spouse/partner.
Yes, this includes masterbation and vibrators in my book.

Experience has also showed me that what is gross, silly, perverted, or unacceptable to one, is or can be pure heaven to another. How open is your mind?

Lastly, to the woman that hates receiving oral sex, you just have not found the right man or woman to give it to you yet.

I finally got my wife to admit to having an affair after six months of lies to cover it up. Even when confronted with evidence of infidelity, this once God fearing, honest person swore to God she was not having an affair. To give her another chance, all I want to know is why? Under intense pressure from me, she finally told me what happened, now in order for me to move on, I need to know WHY. She says she doesn't know why. Isn't there always a reason why and shouldn't women be in touch with that reason? I gave her everything and I might have given her too much. We have been in love for 9 years and married for 6 of those years. We have two children and unknowingly, I financed her International retreat with my kids where the affair took place. The guy she met on the airplane to her destination was the person she dated, cuddled with and eventually had sex with. She cannot tell me why she crossed the line, what she did not get from me, so that I could try to fix whatever it is for my future security.

great post, good to find a site with real adults on it rather than 12 year olds....

a question / interested to hear views: is it 'normal' to continue 'window shopping' after getting married?. I don't mean actively seeking out women..I mean flirting. I wonder if some of the guys would admit to still liking 'the thrill of the chase' even if they don't want to take things further.

I love to flirt! I'm married a long time, but it's one of the things that keeps me going at this God-foresaken office. I know some people think flirting is tantamount to cheating, but I don't think so. You can not completely shut off all human nature, just because you said "I do."

i want sex bad!!!!!

Hey all, I have a question can using magnetic therapy tools on your genitals to masterbate cause health problems?

My hubby and I have come to an agreement about sex. Since I have many medical issues that affect my sex drive and ability, sex has always been a sore issue around my house. That is until we came to this agreement. Now there is no hurt feelings, no regections and no arguements.
The agreement is that we have sex every 3 days. That way I know what to expect, I don't have to hear him always asking and he knows when he will "get it." This helps us a lot.

This is a interesting conversation! I am fortunately very happily married. My hubby is a chinook pilot. When we r together, it's at least 5xs a day! When I was in Korea with him during Christmas, sometimes more than 5 times a day. I want my husband as much as he wants me. We talk on the phone every day 4xs a day. Every wkend, we are on our webcams. He spends {willingly} every moment he has with me even from 10000m away. I know without doubt, he has never cheated. I can honestly say before GOD, I never have and never will. Cheating or divorce will never exist in my marriage. Because I won't let it, nor will my husband. You see, I AM so very in love with my husband. I think of him every single moment of every day. My heart, my body, and just plain all of me belongs only to him. My whole life I've only wanted the kind of love that just didn't seem to exist, ever. It took me 31 yrs to find that special man. Jeff, u really need to get out of ur marriage or get help. Cheating will only bring you down the wrong path.

your boyfriend is fucking woman every where you silly bitch what are you thinking he is putting his fuck stick into dirty boxes he cheating on you DIE

Lets throw yet another wrench into the mess...I have been dating a married man for almost 5 years. So, in my case, these topics are not so easy...instead of trying to figure out what sexual tips to use with my man to keep him from "cheating", I am trying to figure out which sexual tips to use to try to keep him in my bed for as long as possible, before he has to get up and leave to go home. I figure for every minute that he is with me...well, he is with ME. I never intentionally thought that this is where we would end up, but wham, bam, time flies...and then, five years later, when I am ready to settle down and have a family of my own, how do I get myself out of something when I am so totally in love with him?

I'm knewly married and have a personal question in regards to post sex hygiene, I know it's a weird question to ask but I can't find any info online about the topic. If anyone would be open to helping me please let me know.

After months of feeling rejected and thinking that it was something that I was doing wrong, I recently confronted my DH about his disinterest in me sexually and demanded to know why he did not want sex any more. He told me that he was dreading this conversation and that he was hoping that the problem would just go away. He claims that he loves me, is attracted to me, is happy with me, but just has no interest in sex. Doesn't MB, doesn't get aroused when he sees other women, etc etc. I am hurt, angry and resentful. I told him that I still get googly over him, and want him all the time. I don't understand how a husband in a happy marriage for only 1 year could not have a sex drive but still love me. And by the way it's not ED, it does work when we try. Please help, Maybe Jeff has a suggestion.

TheOtherWoman...You fucked up and invested 5 years in a married man who won't or can't commit to you. Why? That's a shame. Only thing you can do is cut your loses, break away and find someone you truely can invest in. This guy has been using you at your cost. And by the way; keep in mind; if they will do it with you, they will do it to you.

For the most part this chat forum is really great. Real Talk and Real Advice. Thank you all for your input.
I've been married for 7 years and have 3 kids now. We have never had good sex. In the begining she said it hurt her, so we would have sex maybe once a month, and I felt like I was hurting her and couldn't enjoy it. We went to therapy and it didn't do much, she simply felt worse about it. Then it was another excuse and there were times we would go for 2-5 months with no sex. One thing I may have done to aggrivate the sitch was to pleasure her often... I would finger her till she orgasmed twice a day! We would do this very often, almos every day! But sex was for the most part out of the question, since she didn't like it and want it. Even when we did have sex it was like lying with a dead body, no sounds or body movements. I blamed myself for being not sensual enough and using sexy words to arrouse her... Now I don't even ask her for sex anymore and I feel better about it but still crave it. Con.

Just to conclude my thoughts... I'm not sure but I think she uses this as another way to control me and she may not even be aware of it... there are times she says that she wishes she would be more interested in sex, but isn't. So now I will not have sex with her or ask her for sex and it's a stress off my back. Has anyone else had a similar situation? I do love her and will not even consider leaving her just b/c we have no sex life. So for me it's work it out or have no sex ever again... Jeff... I just can't cheat on her, so don't even go there ;-)

You are so off base on your comments. I think you have to get to a shrink and fast! Andy, you need some serious help... messed up is an understatement! What the hell does that mean you just can't cheat on her? You'll be pumping so many whores soon that you wont even know your married... you act as if you can go on forever in a ralationship without sex... why don't you try it for a week and get back to me. Sorry of the harsh tone, but you need a reality check.

well i'm crazy about sex; i love it to pieces - im wild in bed and i know it. only problem is i cant seem to do it with my boyfriend - im too scared. ive done it in the past when i knew it was a none commital relationship. but eversince he told me he loved me im frightened. ive bought the lingerie - done strip tease for him - i play with him, but i still cant seem to experiment when it comes to the moment of sex. he says its fine for him, but i still feel like maybe i should be doing more - but i dont have the guts to do whats in my head. also when im on top he always says my hair bugs him dangling in his face - this kinda puts me off the moment.

how do i get my man to rilize that by him watching porn he hurts me i need him to help make me feel good about my self